Top Five: Manly Christmas Movies

5)  Batman Returns (1992)

I'm not normally a comic book movie person, but I'm going to put Batman Returns on here because I think Keaton/Burton created the coolest Batman, and this is the coolest out of the two.  Keaton's Batman wasn't a grunting, stressed out rich boy like Bale.  Keaton was a man's Batman; cool and reserved, only spoke when he needed to.  Plus he looked cooler.  His car was cooler.  His toys were cooler.  Gotham looked cooler, you'd never find Burton trying to rip off Michael Mann's post modern fetish for a series like this - it just doesn't belong.  In Batman Returns, Batman murders some pissant in an alley way for getting in his way.  It also has the best Batman villain ever, not to mention the best score. This is the antithesis of Nolan's shitfests.  It builds a better backstory for the Penguin without uttering a single word in the opening credits than TDK-R's Bane, who is practically a mystery despite ten trillion lines of dialogue.  I'm not sure why this edges Batman '89 for me, but it just does.  Maybe its Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman.  And even better, it has a sweet Christmas theme.



4)  Bad Santa (2003)

Wino Santa Billy Bob Thornton goes around setting himself up for the year by robbing malls at Christmas, using his midget partner to sneak through the airshafts.  I mean, come the fuck on.  He lives by the 'Three B's'; Bullshit, Buttfucking and Booze.  This is a good example of a movie that could've easily been forcibly rewritten as a family caper, to try and squeeze out a few more PG bucks.  If that had happened, it would've been shit.  It's probably the only movie where the old unwilling father figure thing actually works too.  The Coens were involved in this movie, probably explaining why it's so fucking funny.  No punches pulled, maybe up to 40% of the dialogue is comprised of nonstop swearing.  Why did they cancel the sequel to this?  More!


3) Lethal Weapon (1987)

You know, along with Die Hard, Lethal Weapon kind of created an action sub genre, the Christmas Actioner.  Pity we haven't gotten another in about 20 fucking years.  Thanks, Bill Clinton.  I dunno why I'm blaming you, I just am.  It's almost like movies that guys get to watch when the kids have gone to bed waiting for the fat one and mercifully, the washy family seasonal shit has finally ended for the day.  As in, you've earned it, peace and quiet - now here's Mel fucking Gibson.  What is it about a Christmas action movie from the late 80's set in L.A.?  I mean, you've got everything here;  Murtagh's wife doing Christmas dinner, Jingle Bell Rock opening credits and Mel 'God' Gibson buying Christmas tree's from a criminal on the side of the highway, then headbutting the scumbag and threatening to kill him.


2)  Die Hard 2:  Die Harder (1990)

This isn't a better movie than Lethal Weapon, but it's a better Christmas movie.  And a good sequel to boot. You can tell when someone is a fucking idiot when they call Die Hard 2 a bad movie, simply because they think that's how it goes with sequels, and that that's the cool and 'in the know' thing to say.  But Die Hard 2, incredibly, doesn't take a beating from its predecessor.  I mean, trying to follow up that, and not looking like shit in comparison?  Bravo.  In Die Hard 2, the weather outside is indeed fucking frightful - because it's handled by Renny Harlin - and used as a plot device.  It's even more Christmas-ey in Die Hard 2 than in Die Hard.  Like the original, it never quite jumps the shark, the action is damned close to perfection.  It even has Richard 'Dick' Thornburg, Bonnie Bedila and Sg.t Al Powell!  This movie is as much as a Christmas tradition now as Die Hard.


1)  Die Hard (1988)

The obvious choice.  The Krauts are goin' for the lights!  There are a few things necessary for a man's Christmas, things that are hardwired into his DNA.  1) Whiskey.  2) The need to build a roaring fire, and poke it.  3) Cigars.  4)  Die Hard on the TV.  All four together signify the perfect Christmas.  Who knows why? Hell, even Ellis tries to commit adultery with McClane's wife by promising her a roaring fire. This is just the way of the world, at least, before leftwing Plutocracy/Communism outlaws all four by 2035, including Christmas itself - bet on it.  Anyway, I mean, in between cold blooded murder and mass theft, even the bad guys can't help but get into the Christmas cheer - willing Christmas spirit, singing Christmas songs, to help advance their criminality (Or get that fucking vault open).  Maybe its the music and its liberal use of 'Let it Snow' or 'Winter Wonderland'.  Or the sleighbells that come and go every now and again.  Or McClane's festive message on Karl's dead brother.  The thing is, it really does have a cheerful seasonal undertone to it, regardless of the (beautiful) violence.  John McTiernan, have a stogy on me, you genius.